Sunday, December 4, 2011

Matchmaking: Who the Best Athletes in the World Should Date

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It's not easy to make it as a writer. The competition is fierce, the hours are long and there's always someone willing to work harder for less money nipping at your heels.
Clearly that hasn't discouraged me from trying, but it's the reason I have a few contingency plans; just in case. The most realistic and in-demand "Plan B" job that I'm considering is "celebrity matchmaker."
What?! It's a real job, shut up!
Despite having no real experience as a celebrity matchmaker, I'm a very fast learner and have a natural aptitude for creating joy and harmony for those around me. Obviously I'd be a natural.
In order to showcase my abilities, and perhaps land my first celebrity client, I've masterminded romantic matches for 25 of the biggest names in sports.
I'm sure they'll thank me later.
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Lyndsy Fonseca is an up and coming actress who has appeared in Desperate Housewives, How I Met Your Mother, Nikita and awesome movie Kick-Ass.
Sam Bradford is (hopefully for Rams fans) an up and coming Tom Brady-esque franchise quarterback looking for his Gisele. 
Why it would work: They are both 24-years-old and not ridiculously famous (yet). The relationship would be mutually beneficial; Fonseca would get some publicity and Bradford would have a date to the ESPY's!
Why it wouldn't: Actresses can be high maintenance and Bradford seems like a laid back dude who would rather come home and watch a hockey game than head out for a night on the town…he's kind of the antithesis of Hollywood.
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Recently un-engaged actress Zoe Saldana spent most of her childhood in Queens, NY, dancing and performing with her theater troupe.
Recently Ciara-free New York Knick Amar'e Stoudemire grew up as a star athlete outside of Orlando, FL. 
Why it would work: Saldana and Stoudemire are about philanthropists who are active in charity work. Also Saldana's ex was an actor/entrepreneur who was into fashion and Stoudemire is an athlete/entrepreneur who is into fashion.
Why it wouldn't: Stoudemire is a pretty busy guy with his own record label and two children from a previous girlfriend; Saldana would have a lot to compete with for his attention.
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Kelly Brook is an English actress who you may have seen in the cinematic masterpiece Piranha 3D and a model who you may have seen in Playboy.
Carlos Bocanegra is the captain of the U.S. national men's soccer team who can be seen playing for the Rangers club in the Scottish Premier League.  
Why it would work: Brook has a thing for Americans and athletes and Bocanegra, an American athlete, undoubtedly has a thing for beautiful, busty models. They're both 32-years-old, they're both beautiful and they're both living in the U.K.
Why it wouldn't: There's no indication that Bocanegra is looking to settle down and recent events in Brook's life indicate that she is…they could end up having the "I think we just want different things" conversation within months.
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Free agent pitcher C.J. Wilson and actress Camilla Belle are both SoCal natives; Wilson was born and raised in Newport Beach and Belle in Los Angeles. 
Why it would work: Wilson is seriously "Straight Edge," meaning he 'just says no' to booze, illicit drugs and casual sex. Belle had a strict Catholic upbringing and was romantically linked to Joe Jonas, who is (publicly) a pretty wholesome dude; suggesting Belle would be fine with the whole "Straight Edge" thing.
Why it wouldn't: Wilson is also a devoted Taoist; Taoism is an ancient Chinese philosophy that emphasizes compassion, moderation and humility in order to achieve harmony…that doesn't sound too crazy, but Belle might find it too much of a departure from Catholicism.

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Considering all their success and all their controversy, it's kind of hard to believe that Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton and actress Vanessa Hudgens are only 22-years-old.
Newton's playing career has been mired by accusations of theft and a pay-for-play scandal during his championship season at Auburn. Hudgens was a Disney princess who starred in the High School Musical movies when two separate nude photo scandals helped shed her "good girl" image. 
Why it would work: They both know how to whether a controversy and come out on top. Newton has already ditched his college girlfriend, which means he's looking to trade up; Hudgens is hot, famous, rich and they could have a great time walking red carpets together during the NFL offseason. You know Newton loves all eyes on him.
Why it wouldn't: Well they're only 22! Obviously there's no chance either of them, but particularly Newton, are planning a walk down the aisle…but there's no harm in a little fling. 
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Dirk Nowitzki of the NBA Champion Dallas Mavericks is a German wunderkind, as proven by his biography titled: Dirk Nowitzki: German Wunderkind.
ESPN's Erin Andrews is a wunderkind in her own right; since begging her career in 2000, Andrews has become one of the most recognizable faces in the sports media. 
Why it would work: The tall, blonde 33-year-olds have a lot in common. They are obviously both into sports, both superstars in their profession, both philanthropists who donate lend their names and their names to charities and both are national treasures in their native lands.
Why it wouldn't: If Nowitzki spends most of his time in Germany, or generally abroad, during the NBA offseason, that could be a major stumbling block. Andrews is a successful and motivated career gal who doesn't have the spare time necessary for monthly jaunts to Europe.

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